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The Pleasure Principle, The Ways To Rev Up Your Sex Drive

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The Pleasure Principle, The Ways To Rev Up Your Sex Drive
June 17
09:32 2016

Article Highlights

  • For many women, sexual desire is a much more complex and variable thing than it is for many men
  • Every woman has her own unique set of sexual desires, triggers and needs
  • When a woman is depressed or she has a conflict with her partner or feels that little intimacy is left in her relationship, then her responsive desire and libido would likely be lower

Sex is a natural part of life and one that should be thoroughly enjoyed. A satisfying sex life can do wonders for you, making you feel happier, healthier and more relaxed. Yet, what gets you going, may not hit the spot for someone else, as every woman has her own unique set of sexual desires, triggers and needs.

Dr. Robert Langford, a Toronto medical professor and practicing sex therapist, identified two kinds of sexual desires we all have: spontaneous desire, where a person feels sexual for no particular reason, and responsive sexual desire, where an individual feels sexual in response to certain things that are happening in their life or in their relationship.

For instance, when a woman is depressed or she has a conflict with her partner or feels that little intimacy is left in her relationship, then her responsive desire and libido would likely be lower. In longer term relations, responsive desire may become more important. A woman’s responsive sexual desire can be affected by how good she feels about herself and how content she is in the various areas of her life.

“For many women, sexual desire is a much more complex and variable thing than it is for many men,” noted Dr. Langford. “That is, sex is not in some little vacuum. For some people, including for many women, sex is more of a secondary need. Their primary needs are more in the area of communication, relationship, intimacy, affection, etc.”

Dr. Langford uses different techniques, such as muscle relaxation, to help his patients become more in tune with their sexuality. He noted that reducing stress can also help improve one’s libido.

“The more relaxed I am, the more pleasure I can probably experience,” Dr. Langford clarified. “If I experience pleasure, then there’s a greater likelihood that I might experience arousal. But remember that pressure and pleasure are at opposite ends of the spectrum, the two p’s there: pleasure and pressure. If I am feeling a lot of pressure, then I am probably going to experience less pleasure.”

In addition to relaxation, Dr. Langford mentioned that it is important for a woman to be aware of her triggers for sexual desire and to know what works best for her. Foreplay may do the trick for one person, while another woman is more readily put in the mood when things are going well in her romantic relationship, or her partner expresses caring or helps out at home.

The Pleasure Principle, The Ways To Rev Up Your Sex Drive

The Pleasure Principle, The Ways To Rev Up Your Sex Drive

Sexual desire is very personalized, and it is important to acknowledge individual variations. Knowing your own body is another way that can help you boost your sexual appetite. According to Dr. Langford, self-pleasuring, or masturbation, can allow a woman to have a better understanding of what gives her pleasure and arousal, and it might be a simpler way to discover her body responses than when she is with a partner.

“Sometimes, a woman comes in on her own, sometimes in her 40s or 50s, and says, ‘All my life I haven’t really gotten much out of sex, or I have never reached orgasm.’ So they are interested in self-discovery and self-exploration. Self-discovery is a good thing, not just self-discovery in terms of one’s sexual feelings, but self-discovery in many other ways. Self-pleasure is just another dimension of our sexuality.”

Self-pleasuring may be the answer for some women, but Dr. Langford stated that it is not necessarily for everyone, and that is fine, too.

“With a woman who is resistant to this idea, all I say to them is, ‘Maybe sometime in the future, you might be open to this idea.’ I’m very careful not to say to a woman, ‘You should be doing this, or you should be doing that.’ As adults we have choices, and it’s important for each person to make their own choices.”

When it comes to sexual fulfillment, Dr. Langford emphasized that the pleasure and enjoyment one experiences is what is most important, rather than focusing too much on performance or the goal of orgasm.

“There are some women who can experience orgasm, but they may not get a heck of a lot of enjoyment out of sex,” he noted. “Orgasm we overrate sometimes. The big thing is pleasure, am I enjoying it? And some women don’t have a classical grand mal kind of orgasm that their girlfriends describe, but they enjoy sex, so there’s nothing dysfunctional about that. They experience pleasure, they experience arousal and fulfillment, and they may not have a super duper spasmodic contraction kind of orgasm, but there’s nothing wrong about that, the main thing is how they feel afterwards.”


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