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The Law Of Attraction, Why We Draw In The Partners We Do

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The Law Of Attraction, Why We Draw In The Partners We Do
January 01
10:34 2017

Article Highlights

  • Dr. McKenzie explained that most people choose partners to heal childhood wounds
  • If a woman does not get in touch with what drove her to choose such a partner in the first place, she will just keep on choosing the same type of toxic partners
  • Most women sent out subliminal signals that they are not even aware of

When women think of our “type” of man, certain physical attributes may come to mind.  You might have a preference for a man who is tall, blonde and athletic. Your best friend, on the other hand, likes thin men with dark hair, and your sister has a weakness for guys with green eyes and a laidback attitude. But what if there was more to your type than that? What if, unbeknownst to you, you were attracting the same type of man over and over again – one who is a cheater, addicted to alcohol, emotionally unavailable or clingy – a man who you actually consciously would never want to choose?

Dr. David McKenzie, a couples and sex therapist with practices in Langley and Vancouver, British Columbia, said that we relate to ourselves mainly on the subconscious level, knowing far more about our partner in the first five minutes of meeting them than we’d ever dream possible.

To illustrate, Dr. McKenzie told a story about a woman who had just left the divorce courts after her third marriage to man who was addicted to alcohol.

“She got into the elevator with this handsome, tall, good-looking man,” noted Dr. McKenzie. “This woman in the long elevator ride fell madly in love with this guy. He was an alcoholic! She didn’t know him long enough to even know that about him, but she found out later.  So we’re highly evolved to pick that stuff up.”

But why would this happen in the first place? Dr. McKenzie explained that we choose partners to heal childhood wounds. It relates to attachment issues with our primary caregivers. If you had a parent that was emotionally unavailable, stern or overbearing, then you might tend to attract partners with those same issues or characteristics, too.

“We were raised in a community, which is our family of origin, and we replicate that community in the primary partner we choose. The one you fall madly, crazily in love with is the one who most resembles and brings out the parent that you had issues with,” expanded Dr. McKenzie. “That’s why you’ll find women, for instance, who will fall crazily in love with somebody, and the relationship can’t last, and guys are coming along who on paper look like the ideal mate for them, but they won’t hang out with them,” he clarified.

We may not always recognize this on a conscious level, but we are well aware on a deeper one.

The Law Of Attraction, Why We Draw In The Partners We Do

The Law Of Attraction, Why We Draw In The Partners We Do

“They go through life at a subconscious level, choosing partners of ‘Ahh, I don’t have to get close to you. You’re emotionally unavailable, you are a cheater, I can tell it,’” elaborated Dr. McKenzie. “Just about every woman I’ve talked to who has married a cheater says, ‘You know, if I was really honest with you, I could tell this in the first few times we’ve dated that this guy was a loose canon.’”

He emphasized that if a woman does not get in touch with what drove her to choose such a partner in the first place, she will just keep on choosing the same type of toxic partners, which can take a toll on her self-esteem.

As part of the healing process, Dr. McKenzie encourages his patients to get in touch with their inner child. He said that a woman can heal her inner child by engaging in real time in her mind’s imagination with her little girl: sitting with her, adopting her as her own, hearing her pain and sadness, re-experiencing it with her, crying with her and feeling anger with her. While doing so, she comforts her child by reassuring her that she is protected and unconditionally loved. In addition, she corrects the faulty thinking that goes along with such early pain, telling her little girl that it is not her fault and that she is beautiful.

“Until she heals her inner child who was profoundly wounded, she will keep choosing the same kind of people,” he asserted.

Dr. McKenzie recounted how two of his patients walked down this very path, each sending him a picture of their inner child that they worked on.

“Before, they would only attract guys who were emotionally unavailable for them. One was a cheater,” he continued. “As they started to walk down the road of healing, they sent out subliminal signals that they are not even aware of, [signals] that attract men who are equal with them on the road of healing. It’s impossible for somebody who has an issue with intimacy to hook up with somebody with no problem with intimacy; they both have an issue with intimacy. We choose our emotional equals. Always.”

In addition to embarking on an inner journey, Dr. McKenzie suggested using positive self-talk, telling yourself that you are beautiful, desirable, self-confident and valuable as a way to correct faulty thinking, improve your self-perception and attract a healthy relationship.

“The brain’s quite malleable, it [positive self-talk] develops new neural pathways. Studies have found that that kind of self-talk, if done regularly and overly, even if they don’t believe it, it does change the brain,” he noted.

In other words, even if you don’t initially believe that you are beautiful or desirable, if you keep on affirming that are, you will inevitably believe it to be true. Self-talk also works in the reverse.

“We end up attracting our equal,” reiterated Dr. McKenzie. “ So, if we end up feeling like we’re the worm of the universe and we’re ugly, and unattractive, then we send out those subliminal signals of a lack of confidence, and you can either end up with somebody who will take advantage of that or you’ll end up with somebody who equally feels bad about himself.”

Once we have awareness, it is important that we recognize that we all have autonomy and are responsible for the choices we make, and the actions that we take.

“It’s a two-way streak,” concluded Dr. McKenzie. “We are always personally responsible for our own behavior. But we have to ask ourselves the question, ‘What got us into this relationship and what keeps us in it?’”


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